The Pirate Review - BadMovies.org

Getcher heapin' helpin' of celluloid junk food at the redoubtable BadMovies.org! Then pitch your own Cheese & Whine party

I wish I could take credit for inventing the Cheese & Whine party, but it is the brainchild of my handsome, virile and talented hubby, Captain Midnight. Inspired by equal parts Wallace & Gromit and Mystery Science Theater 3000, the Captain proposed that we a) procure an array of cheesy comestibles, b) secure a few perfectly ripe B movies, c) invite friends and d) pass a pleasant evening of camaraderie and cheese consumption paired with ruthless heckling of said movies. Thus, he envisioned simultaneously dishing up at least two measures of Cheese—both the edible and celluloid varieties—and a generous serving of Whine, as all guests moan and kvetch about the entertainment.

Cheese
For those wanting to play our home game, here's a short list of cheeses both common and esoteric: Brie, Cheddar (the sharper the better), Gorgonzola, Gouda, Havarti, Huntsman, Monterey jack, Muenster, provolone, Red Dragon, Sage Derby, Stilton, string cheese, Venezuelan beaver cheese, Wensleydale and dozens more—many of which can be found at a good cheese shop, Trader Joe's, or the cheese section in a well-stocked supermarket. My favorite three are Huntsman (a combination of sharp double Gloucester and Stilton cheeses), Red Dragon (a nippy Welsh cheese containing ale and whole mustard seeds), and Wensleydale (OK, truth to tell it's dry, crumbly and a bit too salty for my taste, but when you eat it you'll be compelled to pump your fists laterally and exclaim, "Cheese! We'll go somewhere where there's cheese!" in a pommy British accent).

If you wish, you may provide tart apples, ripe pears, grapes, and the requisite crackers to match with the cheeses. You get no points for offering any "cheese food" spelled with a Z or dispensed by propellant. As a matter of fact, go out back and beat yourself for even thinking about it.

Are we all back? Good, let's continue.

Whine
Now that the cheeses are all lined up, what about the requisite Whine-fodder? After all, you want just the right vintage of B-movie—one with color, bouquet and body (or, possibly, bodies); bad enough to be amusing but not so horrible that your guests are left bitter and cynical from the experience. You could watch them all yourself, but few people have the kind of iron constitution required to sit through back-to-back screenings of Plan 9 from Outer Space, The Barbarians and Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death without curling into a fetal position and begging for mercy.

My friends, the BadMovies.org website exists to serve your needs. It's "a safe place to indulge in your more unsavory cinematic tastes," run by Andrew Borntreger (Webmaster, Reviewer, Man of Steel) who appears to live by the Scrubbing Bubbles credo, "I watch crud, so you don't have tooooooo!" Mr. Borntreger, an active-duty U.S. Marine, has dedicated his free time to watching and rating some of the most craptastic movies ever excreted by man—truly a noble cause—and BadMovies.org is the fruit of his labor.

Reviews
The movie reviews are listed alphabetically, followed by their place on the revolutionary Borntreger Slime Scale. Much like the star ratings here at the Pirate Review, the Borntreger Scale rates films all the way from 5 drops (prime cheese) down to Skull (serious hurtin'). Each review displays the film's MPAA rating, release year and company responsible for unleashing the horror. But wait, there's more! You also get descriptions of the primary characters, a witty plot synopsis, important facts to be learned from the movie (ex: "Dogs would make good history professors") and Stuff to Watch For at specific moments of the film (ex: "63 mins - Okay, obviously only a madman would carefully inspect Brussels sprouts for quality"). The Stuff to Watch For section is actually most helpful for potential viewers, as it highlights two important aspects of any B-movie experience: RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE and RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS. Mr. Borntreger is kind enough to point out each of these instances in his reviews, so that you may either avoid or fast-forward to that point, depending on your individual tastes.

All this would be sufficient, but BadMovies.org goes a step further and serves up MULTIMEDIA! Just about every film in the database has a selection of sound clips in WAV format, screenshots, and at least one MPEG-encoded video clip. There's a place for readers to leave their comments, a connection to the IMDb, even a handy link to Amazon.com if you're ready to buy. If you've seen a prime bit of movie Limburger recently, BadMovies.org also accepts reader-submitted reviews for publication on the site.

Bonus Stuff
Reviews are the meat of the site, but BadMovies.org is also host to a wealth of additional information including Bad Movie News, a listing of upcoming B movies on cable TV, interviews with numerous people who make the evil magic happen, a message board for fans and foes alike, and a whole raft of assorted (and sordid) links. Don't miss the handy "Finding a Bad Movie" guide or the numerous fake ad banners (including the PETA-unfriendly "Cat: It's What's For Dinner").

To put it succinctly, BadMovies.org is your one-stop shopping mecca for celluloid cheese. It's useful, enlightening, user-friendly and hilarious, and you can savor your soured-milk curd with the confidence that comes from the knowledge that you've picked a winner.

Remember BadMovies.org: it's craptacular!