MAKE WAY FOR THE DREAD SOVEREIGN!

Many generations of Pirate Kings have come and gone, and they all have one thing in common: hopelessly nervous stomach. As heir to my family's curse, I've never had a cast-iron digestive system. Even as a teenager, I'd get the signs of fluttery misbehavior and would gear up for a 50-yard dash to the restroom. It intrudes on trips, during business meetings, on weekends, at any time and for any reason, or no reason at all. I have no idea whether my condition is caused by irritable bowel syndrome or some other factor. All I know is that it's annoying, and it doesn't seem to be going away any time in the near future. As such, my husband and I have developed public "code talk" for this unpleasant malady—the Dread Sovereign.

In days of old, an absolute monarch commanded more than respect and taxes from his subjects—he also commanded primacy of passage through the streets. Before the King's carriage there was usually sent a cryer, hollering a warning of "Make way, make way, for the Dread Sovereign approacheth!" to warn people and traffic not to impede the monarch's progress. Just so, the passage of certain foodstuffs through my alimentary canal—notably salami—appear to take the Dread Sovereign route, much to my chagrin.

Enter Imodium, and other products containing the active ingredient loperamide. This stuff works very well for me—half a dose for mild irritation, up to two doses for a really bad spell. Despite its undeniably vile taste, I prefer the liquid over the caplets as it provides faster relief with a smaller dosage, but packing a big ol' bottle of Imodium is awkward. I carry a blister pack of caplets in my bag against the inevitability of a Dread Sovereign moment away from home.

More often than not, Dread Sovereign attacks will be accompanied by gas pains (aren't you glad now that you decided to read this?). Imodium Advanced would seem like a natural to solve this double whammy—a nickel-sized chewable tablet containing both loperamide and simethicone (the active ingredient in Gas-X), it promises to relieve both gas and diarrhea in one swell foop.

Does it come through? Not... really.

For one thing, why oh why did they make it chewable? This makes it necessary to taste the stuff, which is extremely nasty—a deceptive spearmint flavor, followed by a lingering bittery butt-cheese that refuses to come off your tongue, even if you brush. Maybe chewing raw garlic could banish the taste, but then you've got yourself a wholly different social problem. Feh.

For another, although Imodium Advanced does serve to create an effective roadblock against the Dread Sovereign, it actually seems to make gas pain WORSE. An hour after using this stuff, you'll be moaning, cramping and self-propelling around the room. This is hardly my idea of family entertainment (no comments about Le Petomaine, please).

Basically, Imodium Advanced is better than the liquid pink stuff, but it weighs in at the bottom of the Imodium line. Use it if you're desperate for quick relief and there isn't anything else available.

All material displayed on this website is © 2001-2009 by S. B. Houghton, writing under the alias "The Pirate King." All rights reserved.
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