The Pirate Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Arr, thar be piratey goodness aplenty at the multiplex

I wasn't going to see this movie.

I'll pause as you let that sink in.

That's right, a chick who calls herself "The Pirate King;" whose favorite Disneyland ride of all time is—well, you know; who has a real leather eyepatch, cutlass, Jolly Roger flag AND wooden treasure chest to her credit; and I didn't want to see a pirate movie?

Yep. Precisely because it was a pirate movie. For the past thirty years or so, Hollywood has managed to screw up three film genres right royally: the musical, the screwball comedy, and the swashbuckling pirate piece. And though I harbor a fondness even for universally panned pirate movies (Cutthroat Island, folks?), I could see as well as anyone that the genre was cursed. I just didn't want to be disappointed by another ludicrous failure—I mean, a movie based on a theme park ride?—so I ignored the trailers as best I could.

My honey dragged me out to see it anyway. He was quite insistent. "It's getting good reviews," he said. "You'll love it." So with a minimal amount of sighing and eye-rolling, I sat stoically through eight trailers and... well... started to like it.

Oh, granted, it's not a heavy-hitting Oscar piece, but did you really expect anything else from a film replete with cannonballs and bar whores and optically-challenged scalawags who mutter "arr" a lot? The point is, it's entertaining—and that's all a good pirate movie needs to be.

For those of you who are still muttering, "theme park ride? the hell?" under your breaths, there is a bit more plot to the film—it's more inspired by, than based on, the ride. It begins without prelude: young Elizabeth Swann, who is fascinated with pirates, stands on the deck of a British tall ship lazily singing that famous Xavier Atencio refrain. As they press through the thick fog, she spots an unconscious boy drifting in the water, and they pull him to safety. Elizabeth has just enough time to discover the boy's name is Will Tanner and that he is wearing a pirate medallion, which she takes from him. Then they come upon the burning wreckage of the latest merchant ship to be set upon by the local pirates. A ghostly ship with tattered black sails veers off into the mist.

Flash forward several years. Elizabeth (Knightley) has become the toast of Port Royal, her father is the governor, and every eventuality points to her impending betrothal to the newly-promoted Commodore Norrington (Jack Davenport—yes, that guy from Coupling). Yet she seems to have affectionate glances for the local apprentice swordsmith, Will Tanner (Bloom), who feels his lowly station makes him unworthy to woo the woman he adores. This being both a pirate film and a Disney flick, you already know how it's going to end. On the day of Norrington's promotion, as he attempts to propose to her, Elizabeth swoons from the tightness of her new corset and plunges into the ocean. This act sets off a chain of events that bring down upon her a crew of traitorous pirates who carry her off, convinced they need her to break a curse for them. The hopelessly smitten Will must charge off to her rescue—and the only man he can convince to help him pull it off is a recently incarcerated, slightly mad fop of a pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp).

Much of the fun of this film comes from Depp's characterization of Jack. His reeling asides and peculiar mannerisms (at one point impersonated to perfection by Bloom) make him a joy to watch. Bloom makes a good ardent, straight-arrow lover, but his character is essentially the straight man to Depp's fey insanity. Knightley is almost impossibly beautiful, and she plays her part well. I was happy to see that, although Elizabeth does have smarts and plenty of spunk—a modern audience wouldn't accept a shrinking violet character, no matter how period-accurate—she does need rescuing, so our leading men are not entirely superfluous to the story.

A number of scenes from the original ride are used as sight gags. (Yes, there is a redhead, although she's a bit more aggressive here.) The special effects are flawless, and not simply there for the wow factor—they actually fit into the storyline. There's more than one nod to the song "Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)," although I admit I would've liked to hear it once all the way through, even if it were just over the end credits. (Speaking of which, stay put for the final stinger.)

Stuff that knocks this film down to 3 1/2 stars: an action film that runs over two hours is an action film that's too long. There are some plot hole problems, and at least one continuity error (how'd Elizabeth get into that British Navy uniform, anyway?). In several places the scenes feel by-the-numbers: okay, now we broadside each other and fire, now we have pirates swinging over to take the good guys' ship, yadda yadda yadda. Finally, in a film like this, you need the kind of villain you love to hate—and although Geoffrey Rush is an excellent actor, his Captain Barbossa just doesn't inspire melodramatic mutters and hisses from the crowd. He's nasty, yes, but he doesn't live up to his advance billing as "a man so evil that Hell spit him back out." Overall, though, Pirates of the Caribbean is a fun and enjoyable flick.

Just don't be thinkin' of makin' a sequel, yeh dirty Disney dogs, or I'll weigh anchor in yeh!